Radio song
by Blue hills
Summary: one day while Shinji and Auska are doing homework a song comes on the radio and Shinji will have to make a choice. Shinji's POV


I don't own Eva (because if I did, the series would have ended different and at some point someone would have 'pantsd' Gendo, and he would have been cool with it) or much of anything else of much worth, so sueing me really wont get anyone anything, now will it? Anyway I don't want money for my stuff and wont take it if its offered so now that that's settled, enjoy. If this concept is similar to any pre-done works I apologize, I wouldn't do it on purpose.  
BH productions presents: Radio song  
The radio is playing but I'm not really paying attention. Its not that I dislike the station or the song it's just that I'm trying to concentrate on my homework, hell I need all the help I can get. Its Saturday and Misato said that I have to study until she gets home from the mall or else. Now I will admit it I'm kinda afraid of what she can do, Kaji said once that she is more dangerous that a firing-squad when she wants to be. It will be a good hour before she gets back, I should get most of this done by then.  
  
Boy I feel hungry, today was my morning to cook breakfast and I slept in so we went without. Well at least Misato didn't make an attempt, I swear she can mess up cereal.  
  
A loud noise breaks me from my train of thought. I look up to my other roommate, well my other human roommate. Auska is in trouble too, her grades while not as bad as mine were still pretty bad, and she has a diploma. I'm not sure if its easier to go to school in Germany but I know she's smart, hell she points it out all the time. I really don't have room to talk anyway I still mess up on Kanji sometimes and I've lived here all my life.  
  
I think she messed something up, she just grunted some foreign curse word, you'd think I would know them all by now. Anyway Auska is now erasing the upper half of her notes.  
  
She's wearing that tank top again, its red and white with some American cartoon character on the front, it is pretty small but not so much you would think it indecent. I like that thing; hell I wash it with the towels to make sure it doesn't get lost. I had better keep my eyes from wandering too long, given Auska's disposition she may try to pull them from their sockets.  
  
She starts writing again the scratching noise is strangely calming. I gotta get back to work myself knowing Misato, she probably got this place bugged.  
  
The song just changed on the radio, I recognize it, but can't remember the name right now. Auska seems to know it too, she idly and quietly sings along scribbling in her notebook. I go back to my work listening to the music and scribbling in the background.  
  
Maybe when Misato gets back we can order Chinese or Tai food. Its her night to cook so I'm sure..she'll.  
  
Something's up.It seems suddenly quiet.  
  
Cautiously I look up at the person next to me at the little round table. While Auska stopped moving her pencil she hadn't put it down. By the look of her hand it looks like she's gripping it hard enough to shatter it. My eyes move up her arm to her face and I freeze. While Auska is looking down at her paper it is clear that she is staring into nothing. The rest of her is strange too, her mouth is ajar and she is physically shaking. 'What the hell is going on.what happened to her.how did this happen' I think trying to find an answer. In a few seconds my mind goes back on line and I start to think logically.  
  
'She was sitting there writing and she freaked for no reason' no that makes no sense, 'wait she was singing along' maybe it had something to do with the song, she normally doesn't sing along to anything; maybe it has some power over her. I listen (carefully) for a moment and thankfully find that I am unaffected.  
  
Looking back to Auska I find that she hasn't moved, wait, her eyes are shiny and her breath has become ragged 'is she going to cry.'  
  
She must feel my gaze because she looks up right at me. I have never seen that look before, not on her. Auska doesn't look like herself, she looks sad and helpless and.she's afraid of me. No, afraid isn't the word 'terrified.' She looks like she would run if she could, out the door, to her room, or out the window, I'm not sure. 'kinda like a surprised rabbit'  
  
We sit for several long moments like this not moving except to breath, and my mind starts to wander. Ever notice that in strange situations your mind starts to go off on tangents? I begin to wonder how this started, 'was she fine and then sad, or was it a gradual change,' 'did the singer say something funny,' 'does this happen ever time she hears the song.' For some reason I think back to my first angel fight and it dawns on me, Auska hasn't changed just lost her defenses, she has become vulnerable. Something in the music tore down her defenses and left her bare.  
  
'What should I do?' I draw a blank, maybe a different tactic, 'what would someone else do?' I start to think of the people I know.  
  
Rei, she would probably just sit here and watch. I always got the impression that she just couldn't understand people, I think Ritizco mentioned something about that once. I think that Misato and Ritizco would try and help, but I'm not sure how. Those two women can be so cold sometimes that I wonder if I know them at all. Who else maybe Touji and Kenske, no they never got along, they would probably tease her.hey, so would she. You know it would serve her right to get a taste of her own medicine, yeah that's what I'll do get back at her for all the taunts and jokes.  
  
'Now what?' I suppose I could call her a name or something, yeah that would probably be fitting. She has called me 'idiot' at least once today already. No, 'idiot' is too childish, it wouldn't even bother her, I got it 'useless' or maybe 'second-rate.' I probably know her better than anyone, this will work just fine.  
  
I look back to her face, she's still looking at me 'wonder if she ever looked away'. I look deep into her eyes.  
  
Those mean, degrading, smug.sad.beautiful eyes.  
  
It's like I've been punched in the gut. 'What the fuck is wrong with me,' have I become some kind of monster?  
  
I couldn't do this, not to her. This must be what my father feels like, I fell like some sort of heartless bastard.  
  
Touji would kick my ass if he saw me right now, he wouldn't do this, I know him and Kenske very well.. this would disgust them.  
  
Auska wouldn't do this either, hell she has the opportunity to hurt me everyday. Her taunts always seem censored, she rarly talks about my parents or my past. If she makes fun of me its always about something stupid that I couldn't care less about, like Eva or my little speaking habits. It's always been more sport than spite.  
  
I feel like absolute crap, I didn't feel this bad the first time I refused to pilot Eva or when I found out about Toujis sister.  
  
I have to do something, I can't make up for my betrayal but I have to try.  
  
The song is only about half over, I could turn off the radio, but that would be running away. I have to think.I got it.  
  
Auska is still staring.  
  
Slowly I reach over and take the pencil from her hand. She turns watching my every move carefully, probably preparing for the worst. Slowly I slide my hand beneath hers and intertwine our fingers.  
  
The look she gives me speaks of many things.confusion, fear, relief. Very unsure of herself Auska squeezes back and closes her eyes letting several tears escape in the process.  
  
We stay like that for the rest of the song, Auska fighting whatever battle that rages inside and me just sitting there.  
  
Just like that, it's over. The song ends and some weight loss commercial starts up, with my free hand I shut off the radio not turning away for an instant.  
  
When her eyes open they are still shiny but nowhere near as helpless. A surreal comfortable yet uncomfortable silence fills the room. After a moment she smiles at me, not a big smile by any means, but still the most honest and pure smile I have ever seen in my life.  
  
With a gentle squeeze Auska gets up and goes toward the bathroom to wash away her tears. The warmth may never leave my hand.  
  
I don't know what happened today but thing will never be the same. I wont let them.  
Author's notes.  
  
I know what you're saying 'What's the song' but it really doesn't matter, it could be the theme song from Charles in charge and it wouldn't change the story. The point is that something forced Auska to become vulnerable and shinji even though he was confused at first, chose not to take advantage of her, maybe even helping her learn to trust the world a little and not shut it out, I don't know maybe I'm just sappy or something.  
  
If you want to know the song that was playing in my head as I wrote this, it's the new version of Grey Street by Dave Mathews Band.  
  
There's an emptiness inside her  
  
And she'd do anything to fill it in  
  
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now  
  
It's more like cold blue ice in her heart  
  
She feels like kicking out all the windows  
  
And setting fire to this life  
  
She could change everything about her using colors bold and bright  
  
But all the colors mix together - to gray  
  
And it breaks her heart  
  
It breaks her heart  
  
To gray  
  
The older version reminds me a lot more of Rei than Auska, seems to orderly for Auska. 


End file.
